Hello my Lovelies, 🙂
How are you? How do you do?
I know you may think „Oh please, no“ or „OK, let’s see what she wants this time“ while reading the headline because there are times when nearly every influencer or personality talks about it. A lot of them talk about stress, taking no breaks, and some of them have negative thoughts about themselves. Then you can read a lot „It’s ok not to be ok“. Sometimes it seems to be like a movement. Quite strange for me because I have lived with such feelings for such a long time now. It is strange to see such VIPs go to therapy or taking a break and after a few weeks they return and look as polished as usual. What do they do for it? Can they recover from it, like you recover from the flu?
I mean, I have had my depression and my social anxiety my whole life. I went to therapy for one year. There I learnt how to handle and to live with it. I learnt to accept this part of me. I don’t take pills and I don’t want to take any. Still, I have my ups and downs. My downs aren’t as bad as before the therapy, which is good.
Sometimes my depression comes over me like a tornado and even with the same speed it is gone again. And then there are other days were my depression comes really slowly and takes up several days. It is getting worse every day, bit by bit. The problem is, I recognise such days and what happens quite late. My mood sinks really slowly and then there is this breaking point and I am getting grumpy. To be honest, I don’t like getting grumpy because I’m getting loud and quick-tempered as well.
My social anxiety is quite different from the depression because it is present every single day. But if you would compare both then the anxiety is quiet and the depression is loud. The anxiety is there and I can feel its presence. It‘s not a thought like the depression. The feeling can just be that my heart is pumping fast or my breathing could be harder.
One year ago I had these feelings a lot at work. At the last company every time I had my anxiety when I got an invitation to a personal conversation with my supervisior. These meetings weren’t fun and I often got criticised for my character; however, never for my work because my work was excellent. I was too quiet which is quite funny because at my current working place I’m still the same and I don’t get criticised for my character. So at the moment my anxiety is slowing down when I go to a meeting or a personal talk with my superiors. It is really different and even if my team leader and I have a different opinions about things, it‘s totally fine and my character isn’t a problem at all.
To be honest, it wasn’t always as good or as smooth as it is now. Several months before I found my therapist it was really bad. I stayed at home and I cried out of control. I slept most of the day and I had a lot of negative thoughts about myself. My husband was at my side and tried his best. He helped me with nearly everything. He drove me to my therapy lessons and waited outside. I was glad to get help from him and the therapy helped me to understand my mental situation. I learnt to accept my depression and the social anxiety. I was taught several techniques to handle trigger moments or ways to reduce the stress.
In the same year I finished my therapy we adopted Maya, by pure chance. This little pug brought so much joy and happiness into our lives. It got very chaotic as well. Nevertheless, she did and still does something incredible: Maya recognizes when my depression takes over. She gets calm and wants to cuddle a lot. When I try to go into another room then she follows me and watches over me. When she recognizes that my mood is getting better than she brings something to play or likes to play tag.
When my social anxiety takes over, Maya tries to cheer me up with playing and when we go outside for a walk, she gets quite protective and barks even at the smallest bird. But she would never ever bite.
As you know, we live in a house in the countryside. Before that we lived in a flat in the city, well that quarter of the city wasn’t the best but there were just families and elderly people. However, there was one huge trigger in our block of flats which made it quite hard for me to live there happily. We were on the 5th floor (there was no elevator) and when we went up- or downstairs we had to pass one door in the third floor. There lived a nice family but their dog was really aggressive against Maya and also against me. There were several moments were it was quite dangerous when Maya or I could have get bitten or hurt. So every time I passed this door I got panic.
Since we moved to the house it is much easier for my mental health. My panic attacks, my depression, and my social anxiety reduced and got much better.
I don’t wait that these negative moments just get over. I reflect my days and write down whether I had a trigger moment and, if so, what it did to me. I go outside for at least 30 minutes a day because the fresh air helps me to clear my mind. I take long baths and listen to a podcast or a radio play. Even working in the garden helps me to reduce my stress and to push the positivity. Talking with my husband with a cup of good coffee helps to understand what happens in this moment. Sometimes I talk with one of my dearest friends about my feelings and thoughts but I talk just with one or two of them about it. Two weeks ago I had a bad day. I had such problems to get any positive thought and I felt really down. It is getting better again. But sometimes it is a struggle and I need to fight for the life I think I could live.
Yes, it is ok not to be ok, but it is important to find a way to deal with such situations. There is a way to learn to accept mental struggles. Be aware that it takes some time and you can’t fix it over night. Maybe try to see it like the Japanese master craftsman handle a damaged plate: They repair it with care, slowly and overpaint it with the colour gold. The plate is your mental health. Give yourself enough time to recover and see it as a part of you which helps you to grow.
Wisdom of the day: Don’t be afraid to talk about mental health because when we don’t do it, the people around you won’t understand it.
Love to you all and stay safe,
Your Evil Journalista Chrissi