Losing My Job

Hello my Lovelies, 🙂

it’s Sunday, one of the beloved days of the week. Sundays are great for reflecting the week and all the happened. So I have to do with these quite intense last days.

On Tuesday I got a letter from my company that they appreciate my 10 years of working for the company. My team lead sent me a mail as well. To be honest with you, the letter and the mail sounded like a standard mail with text modules. It didn’t feel like an appreciation. No personal thoughts or comments in them.
Two years ago my husband had the same anniversary and he got a hand written card from our CEO, the letter and some flowers.

The week passed to Friday morning and I saw in my mail account that I had a one hour meeting with my head of department. Well, what can I tell you, I had a bad feeling about this. I couldn’t really focus on my work. I was thinking and thinking about the last months of work and whether I made any mistakes.

Then it was 12 o’clock and my appointment started. Well you can guess from the title the result of the chat. My last day at work will be June 30th 2021. I lost my job because of reorganization and too many people in our department. This meeting should have lasted one hour but after 13 minutes everything was said and done. I couldn’t hold back my tears. I was in complete shock.

In my head were thousands of thoughts and I saw a million of problems. Yes, my world broke apart. I talked to my colleagues and took a break. My husband helped to find my breath und helped me to not get a nervous breakdown.

The break from work didn’t help so I talked with my colleagues and ended my workday. Fun fact: It was also the start of my vacation.

I cried a lot. After ten years I am losing my job. This letter is totally worthless. Why did they send me this sheet of paper when they in reality don’t appreciate my work at all? There were so many questions in my head, but interestingly this was the only one about my present work.

I asked myself the following things:

  • How will I pay my rent? How will I pay my loans?
  • Is there something I can sell to get some money for bad times?
  • Should we look for a different place to live?
  • What I am going to do?
  • Should I am looking for a lawyer to get some input?
  • Should I make an application if there are vacancies in our company?
  • What happens if I won’t find a job before the June 30th?
  • What would I like to do in the future?

These are just a few questions I have asked myself since Friday. The main and important part of all is for my to find a way to stay at our house because another move is something I couldn’t afford; and how to pay all of my loans.

In the past, my husband and I had some really bad years when we had just toast, sausage and Nutella. We survived and I think that we would make it again. I have never been without a job since I started working and to be honest I am afraid of this part.

I am still trying to understand what happened and ironically I don’t think about the company and the part why it happens to me. Because I know that it is easier to fire a woman in her 30’s instead of someone in their 50’s. It is easier to fire someone who doesn’t have any problems with changes and who finds some positive vibes in nearly every work. Well that’s me.
At moment, I just want to understand my feelings and find my way out of this dilemma. It’s the first time in my working life I don’t ask myself if it would be okay for the other members of our team when I do this or that. No, my brain stopped asking me this. I stopped. What a relief!

I think I am working on coping with the situation. There are the five stages of grief by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross:

  1. Denial
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Accptance

I adopted this model for my situation. So the first phase „denial“ I totally skipped. I don’t know why. Maybe I am not that person to ask herself „why me?“.
Anger is a really strong word. Yes, I was angry but not in a huge way.
Bargaining I do with my future, not my past. I think about ways to find a new job or what I should do? Maybe I will open my online shop earlier than I thought.
Depression is a big personal deal for me because I’ve been diagnosed with a depression and anxiety disorder. I made a therapy with a really great psychotherapist and I finished my therapy. I won’t fall back in this really black hole. Yes, I am sad and I cry sometimes but it isn’t the same like when my depression takes over. It is different. It is ok to be not ok.
At the moment I am working on the loss of my job. To be fair, I wasn’t so happy with my job anymore, I should see it as an opportunity for finding something better.

Today there are just a few things which I really know: I can and I will handle the situation like a professional. I have a great husband who will help me to go my way and I have friends who will support me.

Am I ready for this unprepared adventure? Yes! I know my skills and I know that I am able to learn new things quite easily.

Today the wisdom of the day comes from Milton Berle: If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door. (I am starting right now)

Love to you all and stay healthy,
Chrissi
The Evil Journalista

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